Living in a Time-capsule

26 May

This post is a little more personal an “downer” then I ever wanted to portray on this blog but it’s the circumstances that created the need for this resolution an therefore I think worth the time to acknowledge, explore, document and move on from.

One thing that I have been struggling with, especially this past year, is living and working full time in an area that is so antiquated its like a living breathing time-capsule. Holmes County, Ohio is densely populated with Amish– a culture of people who live by a very old fashion set of rules; including no electricity, driving a horse an buggy and wearing very simple clothes.

I grew up in Holmes County and while I love the quite, safe life style that surrounds this area I really struggled with the pressure and importance placed on organized religionmarriage and children. I made amazing friends while in high school, all but two of those friends are married with children. What I’m trying to get at and articulate is this strong sense of failure I feel.

There is value and importance on getting a college education; I know that. But I do feel judged for that. At work, which overall I really enjoy, is where I am struggling emotionally the most. The girls that are my age, or close to my age, are all Amish. These girls are very sweet, they truly are. But I have started to go out of my way to avoid eating lunch with them, because every time I do I walk away feeling very small.

One particular lunch sticks out in my mind. I’m a strong person but I have doubts in myself, just like anyone else. So when I’m sitting at a table of peers being told that college is a waste of time and I would be better served getting married…that’s annoying. But I know they only think that because they’re intimidated by my education, they went through 8th grade and I’ve got 16 years; at least I hope that’s what it is.

So get married right? My existence would be more valuable as a spouse…but at the same time being 25 and unmarried I am considered an “old maid“. Being told you’re an “old maid” at 25…essentially that you aren’t marriage material isn’t easy to swallow. I wonder that in the private corners of mind I don’t need to be told it in real life.

As much as the Amish girls I work with are getting under my skin and planting seeds of doubt in my mind they’re nothing compared to the way I feel with my family. All the women in my family were married by 23 or 24…So I think to myself well that could just be a change in the times right? Well some of it might be but the younger family members are all headed that way too. There is nothing more humiliating then sitting at family event after family event the only single person in the room. I have never brought a man home to meet my family so by 19 or 20 and never having had a boyfriend I was asked if I was a lesbian. Total blow. My sexuality is now in question because I’m single. Doesn’t seem fair does it? But I think a lot of single girls my age have their families wondering the same thing. for the record though I’m not; at all.

1backtoschoolgirl-graphicsfairy008bw It’s not a choice that I’m single. I would love to be in a relationship, who wouldn’t? To know someone is choosing to love you would be an amazing feeling. Does this mean that I’m not worthy of love or that I’m not love-able? I truly hope not. I’ll admit I thought I had found the “one”. He was everything I thought I wanted but as time went on he pulled further and further away, ultimately breaking up with me. Then after a couple of months he begged for another chance so I gave it to him. I introduced him to my mom, which I had never done before and showed him around my hometown. We had what I thought was a good conversation and then after several days of not hearing from him I reached out to hear “I decided I don’t want a relationship with you”. I’m not sure I have ever felt so used and defeated.

I am an old maid who wasted time an money getting an education when I should of put my efforts into getting a man. I am a lesbian (to some of my family) because I’m single at 25. I’m not worth the time of the man whom I thought was the one…this is what I find myself dwelling on. I’m doing the best I can to stay positive but living and working where I do it’s just about as much as I can handle. Every day I get closer to packing up and moving far away from the old school thinking. I don’t want to be this person…a person who feels crappy about life because of the people I’m currently surrounded by. I fear that the only solution is to leave, because they won’t change and neither will I.

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