How to Be, How to Find, How to Accept

13 Aug
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Trying to unlock the manual to a happy life…

The major question in high school is what do you want to do with your life and what college will you go to? The major question in college is what do you want to do with your life and where will you do it? The major question as a post grad? When are you getting married?

How do we go from these high thought processes of self-betterment and your contributions to the world to ‘when are you getting married?’ Those whom do have higher levels of education are still interested in the promotions and contributions to companies and society and then stop caring about family all together…in my old circle of friends and my family for sure those conversations don’t happen; work doesn’t matter only family does.

Where is this disconnect coming from? Why can’t you focus on one now and have people support that and then focus on the other later and have support for that?

The general ice breaker of “how’s work” is standard in any conversation but do they really care? Do they actually want to know what road blocks you’ve navigated and what contributions you’ve made? I’m leading towards thinking no, they don’t actually care. Is that because they’re threatened by your achievements or jealous of your decisions; possibly. I wonder if it’s not because your standard measure of success isn’t vastly different.

While I hold education particularly, as well as community contributions and strong friendships in the highest regard my family and those around me are more interested in raising a family. How did I end up the way that I am? How did I end up thinking so differently than my family and the community I grew up in?

1globeOf course I think family is important, do I want one of my own one day? Yes. But even knowing that I still feel that it’s more important to develop a better self; be that through education, or service to the world around you. We have a lot of devastating issues in every inch of our planet and I can’t help but think what am I doing to solve that or reduce those issues? My mind is so far out of the box I live in I have a hard time bringing it back and putting it back into a box and saying I want to get married and have kids. I feel like I’m holding myself back from actually being open to a forever relationship; I’m self-sabotaging. I always find myself interested in the guys who won’t ever be or could never be that forever kind of relationship… I’m petrified of forever.

I’m usually this all over the place with my train of thought but try and stay with me: fight or flight. It’s a basic animal instinct. If you feel threatened or frightened you either flee the scene in an attempt to self-preserve or you stay; face the obstacle and fight it. I have been so consumed with fighting a particular weakness of mine that I’ve also allowed myself to flee a fear. I despise weakness, in myself and honestly in other people. My weakness is I am dyslexic; it’s been a struggle for the duration of my life. As a kid I was singled out by our education system and after a couple of years of being viewed as “less” I decided to fight and work and crawl if I had to, to overcome those issues and be better.

While I was so focused on being adequate and normal and accepted that I let myself not necessarily neglect seeking  a relationship but rather believing that I’m worthy and deserving of it. I focus on the things I think I have influence over; my education, my friendships, my career while I privately, an now semi publicly believe that I haven’t earned the right to be loved.

That’s why it bothers me so much that people around me care more about something that I have no control over. I can’t control if no one wants to love me, but by golly I sure can control philosophical discussions and school and what job I have. So while I’ve been focused on making myself worthy I’ve ended up feeling unworthy; just in a different way.

I don’t know how to be worthy, I don’t know how to find forever, and I don’t know how I will accept it if I ever do.

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