30 Oct

88d8fc39073a4b916718c9c3a3e48817I’m tired of lying. Seems like that’s all I do anymore. “Yes I would love to slop Round in mud, rain, snow, an wind for 8 hours a day.” Yes I would love to sit behind the front desk of a gym overweight and a shiny example of the failure to loose it.” “Yes I am excellent at taking criticism and I look forward to being belittled and bullied by your insecurities.”

“No I don’t mind not getting vacation or paid holidays.” No I don’t mind working every Saturday.” “No I don’t mind using a company phone so you can track my location through the GPS.”

I’m tired of applying for, interviewing for, and lying to get a job I don’t want. A job I wouldn’t be good at and a job that would make me miserable out of my mind. I’m tired of being fake and accommodating. I’m tired and I’m nearly defeated.

I knew in high school the goal was to get into college, I knew in college the goal was to participate, grow socially, and graduate.

But what now?

I have been so stuck, I didn’t know what would make me happy…but that’s a lie too. I always known I just couldn’t admit it to myself. All I really want is to travel, see the world, do something memorable and worthwhile….leave my mark on the world because I spent far too long feeling very small and insignificant.

I’m not rich, in fact I can’t even afford my student loan payments, that expensive shiny sealed paper that says I have value but doesn’t feel like I have value; yes… that paper will prevent me from doing a lot of things while I pay it off.

165906501The only way I’ll have enough time to travel is if I’m a teacher; so I can go further into student loan debt an get a masters in education, not a smart decision. Or I can move to Florida and teach there for three years. It’s so logical but I can’t pull the trigger. I’m about to be an aunt for the first time, I don’t want to leave my parents, or now my new relationship….I’m so worried I’ll lose my place in my life if I leave it for another.

The best I can come up with is to stay here, for now. Substitute teach, which you can do with 2 types of fingerprinting reports/a background check, and a bachelors degree.

So my plan for right now is to be a sub, and be a news correspondent for the local paper, which I am really loving.

Presently; life is looking up.


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