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Risk

21 May

5cc39bb680ca95fd35c8315cb4239db8“Attractive as some things are you have to weigh your risks. How badly do you want it, how badly are you willing to be burned?”

This quote has really stuck with me the last few days, its from a book by Patrick Rothfuss that recently finished reading called The Wise Man’s Fear.

The idea of moving to a tropical climate was so attractive; but ever since I moved I’ve faced trial after trial. It has truly been the most difficult year I’ve ever experienced. I made the rash decision to accept a job outside of my experience and education and move after having my heart-broken. I thought new everything would help it hurt less.

Being in a new place, with a new car, a new job, new friends, has been exciting…but learning a whole new life all at once would be hard in the best of circumstances but I left because of hurt…out of fear and anger.

Now a year later I’m missing my former life. But, you can’t go back right? I’m tired of missing out on my nephew growing up, on family events…it’s not Ohio and the unforgiving five months of winter that I miss…it’s the people.

Sure this is the perfect weather for me…and I have access to the beach whenever I want but is the sun, surf, and sand more important than family?

I have a big decision to make; give it another year or run home.

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10,227

27 Jan

img_8329I’ve had 28 birthdays and over ten thousand days on earth so far.

Every year I get older I think back about what I’ve learned, experienced, and all that I hope is yet to come…and every year I get a little more frustrated with myself for what I’m lacking.

One year it was a respectable job, another year it was my weight (that’s a lot of years), and now as I get ever closer to the big three-decade-mile-marker it’s my relationship status.

Lame. Ridiculous. Silly. All of the above: “don’t worry about it; it will happen when its happens.” But people! Women out number men. It’s entirely plausible that it won’t.

“You’re so talented, sweet, loyal, loving, creative, smart, beautiful…someone will snatch you up.” So far my experience is that I’m too much of a “catch” for men to handle so they toss me back into the water. I’m intimidating, I try not to be…but why do I or should I have to hide part of who I am? Shouldn’t a guy love it all?

My observation has been that men are too insecure in themselves and what they have to offer to appreciate what I have to offer.

So….sure. I had a mini or freak out about getting a little closer to thirty (the magic number all women expect to be married by). But I have a career, I live where most people vacation, if I’m bored I drive 12 miles to the beach, I can go anywhere anytime I want, I’m working on the weight.

I have a lot going right and I am so sick of feeling, thinking, writing, and talking about being single. I just want to be happy.

Tracks 

31 Dec

 If a train in Ohio leaves the station in 2014 and spends 2015 gathering speed on the track that it’s on the passengers inevitably get comfortable; they settle in as the train speeds along.

That train is derailed.

Passengers are tossed about, bruised and shaken. They pick up their lives and build new tracks, maybe even a new train and head in a new direction.

That’s been my life this past year. I was headed down one path and was completely derailed and everything that followed changed.

Last year when I was thinking about what 2015 would bring I had no idea it would bring me to where I am right now. So for 2016 I’m not even going to try and guess what’s to come. What I know for sure is what I’m going to leave in 2015 and that’s what caused my train to derail.

It’s a new year. I have a new car and a new job in a new state, so I need to keep trying to make the most of this new start and not worry about having been derailed and the possibility of it happening again.

365 Days

17 Dec

IMG_7344Exactly a year ago I was spending the weekend in New York, I was beside myself excited for every aspect of that trip; meeting lady liberty, experiencing one of the greatest cities in the world first hand…

I never would I have guessed I’d be in Florida having spent a solitude day on the beach an then an ugly sweater party with friends from my job where I’m a teacher.

It’s beyond crazy how much things have changed this year…that’s not even counting my incredible nephew.

If you asked me then where I thought my life would be today this is not what I would of guessed. Not even close. But people, things, and life changes. I didn’t even come close to correctly guessing where I would be right now so I won’t even try to guess where I will be next year.

 

As For Traveling…

25 Nov

e222f810af3e0155276afa4835bbfeeeI’ve traveled “alone” a lot, in fact 90% of the time when I am traveling I’m going alone. But someone always takes me to the airport an someone is always waiting for me on the other side.

For thanksgiving this year, since I live in Florida right now, I traveled home to Ohio. For the first time ever I drove myself to the airport had to figure out parking an then getting to my gate (which I’m used to). Of course there is still someone on the other side waiting for me, but just having to get myself to the airport was new.

This “alone thing” I’ve been doing lately is fine…at least I’m going places and doing things, which has always been high on my list; I hate to be idle.

But, what I’m learning from all of my society labeled “valuable time alone” is that, as I suspected previously, I don’t want to be alone. What’s the point in going through life experiencing things totally alone? There isn’t a point. Sure I’m seeing an doing but I don’t have anyone to share that with.

Do I know now that I’m capable of doing things alone?

Yes.

Do I like it?

Eh. Sort of I guess.

What I do know for sure is that I don’t want to go through life alone even if I am capable of it.

I suppose its quite a step just to realize you’re totally fine on your own. This also happens to be number one on my bucket list. Travel Alone; check. 

9. Pick Up & Move Someplace New

29 Aug

IMG_4345When I put “pick up and move someplace new” on my bucket list I didn’t really think I would do it…or if I did it would be within the state of Ohio. I NEVER thought I would end up moving over a thousand miles away from home.

After a heartbreak that jolted my reality I threw everything I had into a job application, sent it off, got a call within a week, interviewed a couple of days later, and a couple of days after that I was offered the job. I turned in my two weeks notice where I worked, and moved another week after that.

I packed clothes, shoes, my computer, my desk, and beauty products. That’s it.

Loaded it all into a little rental car, along with my mom and our cockapoo, and headed for Florida.

Another Bucket List Item Bites The Dust. 

The 14 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Older

16 Aug
  1. tikigiki_people-woman-002Not traveling when you had the chance: more responsibilities pile up the older you get; do it while you have less restraints.
  2. Staying in a bad relationship: just because all your friends are getting married doesn’t mean a bad relationship is your ticket to status quo.
  3. Failing to make physical fitness a priority: at least make an effort to be healthier.
  4. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles: it’s 2015 people.
  5. Not quitting a terrible job: I stuck around in a terrible job way longer then I should of, DON’T DO IT the paycheck isn’t worth your sanity.
  6. Not realizing how beautiful you are: I’ve looked back on middle school pictures when I remember thinking “ew I’m so fat” and now I wish I looked like I did then…in 15 years I’ll probably think the say way about myself now.
  7. Not listening to your parents’ advice: your mom is always right, stop fighting it. 
  8. Caring too much about what other people think: at the end of your life you won’t be thinking about those people right? Then they don’t matter.
  9. Supporting others’ dreams over your own: it’s easy to do when you’re not sure what your own dream is…but you should at least be making yourself happy. 
  10. Not standing up for yourself: you’re an adult now you need to stop letting other people fight your battles, or worse yet getting walked all over. Demand what you deserve which is always better then what you accept.
  11. Not volunteering enough: even if you have very little you still have more then at least one person on this planet.
  12. Refusing to let friendships run their course: people change, if you’re growing apart let it happen. At least don’t be the only person in the friendship that is fighting to make it work. 
  13. Never taking a big risk: just like traveling, its easier to do while your young and only have yourself to worry about if you fail.
  14. Not spending enough time with loved ones: friends and job are important but don’t get so wrapped up you forget about the people who matter most; your family. 

 

 

The Moving Process 

10 Aug

I moved one thousand and sixty miles from home and cried nearly the whole way. It’s scary to leave behind everything; your family, friends, home, and in my case my car, most of my belongings, and a nephew I’ve come to adore above all others.

Moving is exceptionally expensive. Gas, rental car, a few new clothes, and minor storage solutions. I’m lucky to be living with friends so the only furniture I needed was a desk, and even at that the rental car was filled completely.

Packing up my life into boxes was really no different then when I did it for four years of college. No, the process of moving is emotional. It’s see-you-later and for some its goodbye…. Moving is finding out who your real friends are, because some won’t care. Some will even be upset for the change it causes in their life, not even thinking about the change for your life.

The moving process isn’t really about packing and relocating. It’s about being brave enough to try it, it’s about putting everything on the line and leaping into the unknown. It’s about loosing relationships and knowing its okay.

The moving process is about facing gut-wrenching changes head on and finding yourself in the process.

 

Be Careful What You Wish For

21 Jun

Only-Man-ValentineFinding love has been on my “Wish” List for as long as I can remember. I even used to wish for it every new years eve for that coming year. And here I am 27 and in my misguided naïve mind I thought I had found it.

But I was wrong.

When I wished to “Fall In Love” it never occurred to me I was wishing for the one thing that would hurt me most of all. I should have wished for the right person, at the right time, to fall in love with me at the same time I fell in love with him.

But that’s not what I wished for.

I simply wished to “Fall In Love”. Well I got my wish, I “Fell In Love”; unrequited, miscommunicated, misunderstood, one-sided, year-long relationship of “Love”.

Be careful what you wish for.

Apocalypse

13 May

11150885_10103408033650274_3077869216558733032_nSitting in the Jeep in the middle of a field watching an old John Deere tractor slice blades of grass as the sun lowered in the sky was therapeutic. Life is hectic and stressful and mowing grass is relaxing.

For a while I rode next to the driver on the ledge above the over five foot tall agriculture wheel, just enjoying the cool air and the wonderful fragrance of fresh-cut grass; occasionally talking over the loud hum of the mowing deck we were pulling behind us.

Once the field was nearly done I got down to move my jeep out of the remaining tall grass, I left the windows rolled down and sat parked on the other side of the clearing, out-of-the-way.

I should have rolled up the windows.

Within seconds I noticed the car was swarming with….mosquitoes.

I took off my hat and started swatting at them before I had the presence of mind to roll up the windows as more flying blood suckers came after me. I must have killed ten or more when it was all said and done.

With the windows rolled up I could see hundreds of mosquitoes slamming into the windows, it was a glimpse of a mosquito apocalypse. I rolled the windows up just in time.